Ex-UFC Star Reveals Harrowing Story Of Self Harm & Nearly Dying

As you would expect, the Rosholt fight was not my best performance. I felt like a disgusting mess and I looked even worse. The first round was decent, but I was definitely hesitant and not feeling myself. We traded a lot of leg kicks, and, to be honest, Rosholt hit me with some heavy ones. He also bloodied up my nose. Then, in the middle of the round, he attacked with a knee strike, which I caught and turned into a takedown. We were against the cage, and I was on top, but I wasn’t able to do much damage. Rosholt got back to his feet and, by that time, I was already winded and checking the clock. I wanted to put this guy to sleep, so I started chasing him and winging heavy left hooks. No luck. The round ended.

The second round was better for me, despite the fact that I was fading fast. He caught me early on with a hard right-left combo (that, I later learned, broke my eye socket), but I retaliated with an overhand left that sent him tumbling to the center of the mat. I jumped on top and unloaded as much ground-and-pound as I could. Again, I didn’t do much damage, so referee Yves Lavigne stood us up. Then came my best strike of the night. I threw a left kick to the head, which Rosholt partially blocked, and then I delivered a booming straight left to his chin. His head bounced against the cage, and I would have expected him to crumple. But, props to Rosholt, he stayed upright. I ended the round throwing haymakers with both hands. Alas, I couldn’t finish the guy.

I rewatched the fight later, and had to laugh at some of the commentary from Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg between the second and third rounds. You can go back and check this out yourself if you have access to the video. During the break, the camera zoomed in on my left shin to reveal a series of scabbed-over incisions. These were from two weeks before when I was a zombie in my mom’s back room, cutting myself with a kitchen knife. By fight time the wounds had pretty much healed, but the scabs were obvious evidence of self-inflicted harm.

Noticing the camera focused on my shin, Joe Rogan says, “Look at that. That’s nasty.”

To which Mike Goldberg replies, “That’s what’s called ‘checking a kick.’”

I have a feeling that Rogan might have known what was up, but poor Goldie seemed to believe that series of wounds was actually muay Thai related. In fact, that might be the first time in pay-per-view history that a spotlight was placed on self-injury related to mental illness. In retrospect, that moment was pretty f-cked up.

By the third round, I had nothing left. Rosholt took me to the ground with ease and maneuvered an arm-triangle choke. As Yves Lavigne watched on closely, I – as always – refused to even consider submitting by tapout. I lost consciousness. Yves stepped in to end the fight, and as Rosholt stood up to celebrate, I went into convulsions.